Uwe Boll Will Simply Not Go Away, No Matter How Hard We Try
From the big budget fine cuisine where every detail is carefully measured and presented to the soothing plate of indie comfort food that keeps you full for days.
Then there are bad movies. Some of them are like a greasy burger you know is terrible, yet you can’t help but enjoy every single bit of it (Showgirls anyone?). Others really have nothing tasty to offer and remind you of the first time your kid sister decided to make dinner for the family. A clumsily put together bowl of slop that gives you indigestion.
And then, there are the bad movies that make you feel like you’ve just guzzled down a bucket of salmonella.
Uwe Boll movies are a lot like that.
Fueled by naive investors, an impressive knowledge of German tax law and an insatiable desire to create terrible movies, Uwe Boll has been scraping the bottom of the industry barrel for over a decade. Considered to be one of, if not the worst director in movie history he’s been punched in the face by bad reviews more times then a waitress at a biker bar which is probably why he challenged some of his loudest critics to an actual boxing match a few years back.
No seriously, he did.
His movies average around 3% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
At 8% Postal is his highest rated movie. It’s also a piece of crap.
A friend of mine once compared the experience of watching Uwe Boll movies to being molested. While that’s a bit harsh, I have to admit that watching the trailer for his upcoming feature made me feel a tad violated.
Which brings me to the reason why I wrote this mini movie rant.
For a long time Mr. Boll was simply satisfied with ruining video games and bathing in the bitter, bitter tears of their fans. But that’s not enough for him anymore. His ambitions have grown. He wants to be loved and respected, he yearns for the accolades of distinguished movie critics (that he hasn’t beat up) and the adoration of fans.
He’ll prove everybody wrong! Right?
His first attempt at becoming a respected director which tackled the genocide in Darfur, a film critics didn’t even bother to review, made an impact equal to the one that bird doo-doo makes when it hits a commercial airliner. Simply put, nobody watched. Nobody cared. We were on to him. And if we just ignored his movie-making trolling then maybe, just maybe, he would go away.
Well, we could dream, for a while at least.
Because Boll would just not take a hint, no sir! Back-to-back with his latest video-game adaptation masterpiece, Bloodrayne 3 – a film in which a seductive vampiress battles Nazis, he shot… Auschwitz.
Just in case you thought you misread that the first time. You didn’t.
Uwe Boll made a movie about Auschwitz. There is a tasteless joke rearing it’s ugly head there, but I will do my best to steer clear of it. Admit it, you thought of it too!
I won’t post the trailer here, I can’t do this to anyone nice enough to read our little online mag. You’re good people. I will just leave the link here in case anybody really wants to know. Don’t blame me, it’s your own damn fault!
Note: The teaser is very NSFW and quite unnerving, not only because you can see within 49 seconds that it will be a failure of epic proportions but also because Mr. Boll thinks that disturbing images equal quality story telling. If that were the case the Human Centipede would have more Oscars then Gone With the Wind.